Moved.

I believe I have officially moved here...


http://littlebarefootchild.com/

Magic.

"So, what do you think?" -Daughter
"He sounds like a nice boy." - Mother
"Sounds like a nice boy. Anything else?" - Daughter
"He has wonderful penmanship." -Mother
"Mother......look at the date on the letter, the date." - Daughter
"Oh, you mean the time thing?"- Mother
"Yes." - Daughter
"That's just a detail." - Mother

Truth.

"Music can save people, but it can’t in the commercial way it’s being used. It’s just too much. It’s pollution."

— Bob Dylan

May and its truths.

The nick-name, "Jessi-Messy", is actually the most accurate nick-name I own. I truly am rather proficient at making messes. However, I am generally just as proficient at cleaning them up. I'm not talking about physical messes like dishes, dirt and laundry. I'm a very clean person.

I am a passionate person, and when I don't have an outlet/voice for that passion, I easily become depressed.

Depression is is my archenemy.

I am obsessed with colours. This photo, by Amanda Moss, 

takes my breath away. Not because of the objects or focus of the photo, but because of the colours.

When a song gets into my soul, it sticks around for quite awhile before I become even remotely tired of it. Currently that song is, "The Modern Leper", by Frightened Rabbit. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of the way the guys says, "Scottish Rain".

I think I may, "like", someone that i don't want to like. 

I regret having such a large rug covering the hardwood floor in my bedroom. It gets in the way when I'm trying to draw and I'm afraid i'll stain it with my pastels. 

When I feel like I'm running into a brick wall over and over at full speed, I react in outlandish, nonsensical ways which tend to leave behind the aforementioned, "messes". 

My alcohol tolerance has gone way down. 

I'm ready for a new tattoo. 




These are the things May has taught me thus far. 

Patty Griffin - A Sampling

Of Humidity, Honeysuckle, Dylan and Crossing State Lines.

It's humid as hell here, I feel like I should be in India with all this heat and sticky humidity. However, it's difficult to be truly annoyed with the summer weather when the air is thick with the scent of fresh blooming honeysuckle. My love/ hate relationship with summer in the South lives on. 

I've been listening to Dylan almost constantly lately. He seems to fit my varying mood down to each word. 

I've never thought much about how many times I cross the NC/SC state line every week. For some reason, its been bothering me lately. It's almost like a tease. I'm leaving North Carolina, but not really because it's no where new or exciting. I feel like I'm spending tons of money on petrol and wearing my car down simply for traveling to a 9-5 style job. Yes, I enjoy my job but it feels stale. A large part of me just wants to quit everything and go live in the woods as a genuine hobo. 

Perfect Summer mix: Bob Dylan, Joe Purdy, Jakob Dylan, Patty Griffin, Dan Craig, Aaron Espe and Jeffrey Foucault

High of 86°F/30°C today

Southern Summer 

Basking in the summer sun
We seem to have skipped spring again this year
Dreaming of what you would say if you saw me in my blue dress
Wondering if you’d sit with me a while

Dogwood in full bloom overhead
Pollen falling like snow, dusting the ground around me
Birds singing at full volume, filling my heart with childlike wishes
Remembering being young, chasing caterpillars around the backyard

Sweet iced tea sweating from its glass on the blanket beside me
Picturing the swing in grandpa’s yard, how high I would soar
Tree house, built for my uncle, falling down now
Desiring any body of water to bring relief to the heat

Cousins running, screaming, hiding from each other in the dark
Lightening bugs light our path
Girls protest as boys try to capture the mystical creatures in mason jars
Neighbours shouting, threatening to call the cops to quiet us down

Sitting on the back deck watching Nannie dance her blues away
Bluegrass playing loudly, cold miller light in hand
Clogging shoes tap in rhythm as sister joins in
The grill is ready now, throw dinner on, the men are hungry

Father and son pull out the guitars
Familiar melody fills the air
We clap along in perfect timing
This is summer. This is the south.





"Summer comes, yeah, as loud as hope and takes your breath away"

- Iron and Wine

Current favourite lyric..

Simple, but gets the point across.

"We can just get in my piece of shit car and drive all night ‘til the gas runs out" - Catarina, Joe Purdy

The latest assurance.

Sometimes... all that is needed is simple reminder.

"Lets get lost, me and you, an ocean and a rock is nothing to me." 

-- Lyrics by Lisa Hannigan -- Truth whispered into my heart by God. 

Quote of the month

"I'm probably gonna curse a lot, it's just an Irish thing. It's not meant in any malicious way, it's just part of the way we speak. For hundreds of years our language was beaten out of us by the English and then we had to learn their language. Which was ok, but we decided at a very early stage to pervert their language as much as possible. If we had to speak it at all. So in Ireland cursing is just descriptive it's not actually in anyway malicious." - Glen Hansard

The Swell Season Live

Most amazing live show.

Strict Joy.

This made me happy.

"This song is about being in Ireland lying in the middle of a field drunk looking up at the stars. Well, actually looking at some grey clouds and knowing that the stars are beyond them. And having a conversation over the shoulders of the clouds, at the stars"

- Glen Hansard (The Swell Season/ The Frames)

Star Star

Star star teach me how to shine shine

Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind

'Cause I don't understand these people

Who say the hill's to steep

Well they talk and talk forever

But they just never climb

Falling down into situations

Bringing out the best in you

You're flat on your back again

And star you're ever word I'm heeding

Can you help me to see

I'm lost in the dark

Star star teach me how to shine shine

Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind

'Cause I don't understand these people

Who say we're all asleep

They'll toss and turn forever

But no rest will they find...

Listen to the song here...

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Star_Star_Live_/23364951

If you don't own 'Strict Joy' by the Swell Season... you should. 

Frustration

I can't remember a time when I have ever been this discontent.

My job is great.
My family is good.
My new apartment is wonderful.
My friends are the best ones Charlotte has ever given me.
My part time job serving with a catering company at weddings is loads of fun.
My music is coming along better than ever before.
My relationship with God is growing in new ways.

I have no justifiable reason to be unsatisfied.

But I am.

My heart is discontent.

I need change. Serious change. I need to see the things I have been promised come to life.

I am tired of waiting.

I take my complaints to God, I remind Him of His promises.

He says, "Wait".

I find my frustrations holding hands with the truth that God will fulfil His promises.

I keep in the forefront of my mind that He wants the these promises to unfold even more than I do.

Still, I am frustrated. And guess what? God told me it's ok to be frustrated. He would rather me be discontent and ready while in the waiting room then comfortable and passive.

You're not what I need - I'm not what you need, so it works out well.

I like to check up on you from time to time.
Not because I miss "us", but occasionally I miss "you".

I want to know how you are doing.

However, I don't want you to know that I care.

Sounds harsh, I know, but sometimes I don't feel that you are worthy of my care.

So I'll continue to peek around corners, wearing my stalker mask, just so my heart can be sure that you are happy.

"I still miss you sometimes, when the weather's getting colder" - Joe Purdy

Waiting on the Vision

God showed me this verse while I was complaining about not being in Scotland right now. I do this often. I don't remember seeing this verse before. Or perhaps I was never in a desperate enough need before now to really see and accept it.


"What's God going to say to my questions? I'm braced for the worst. I'll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon. I'll wait to see what God says, how he'll answer my complaint. Full of Self, but Soul-Empty and then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming - it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time."
Habakkuk 2:1 - 3 - The Message version


"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled."

I want what I don't want and don't know what it is that I do want.

Am I the only person who, while filling out a personality test, begins to wonder if they may be bipolar? There seem to be two extremes inside me, of course I have complete control over which is shown in which situation. But really, are people supposed to be this split up inside?

So keeping true to who I am, I made a list. A list of what I want. It confused me even more.

Behold the conflicting list;

I want the sound of rain.

I want a hand to hold.

I want trees and a bed made of grass.

I want quiet.

I want folk music.

I want a gentle reassuring breeze.

I want the fragrance of jasmine.

I want to fly.

I want to take the road less travelled.

I want solitude.

I want mystery.

I want brown hair.

I want a brown dress.

-------------------------------------------

I want tattoo's.

I want piercing's.

I want rock and roll music.

I want red hair.

I want a black dress.

I want to smoke and drink.

I want friends and parties.

I want the house and car.

I want the job and degree.

I want to be looked up to.

I want power and fame.

I want authority.

I want to be the boss.

-------------------------------------------

Ultimately, I know who I am, where I am going and what I want. It's just the little things at times seem to conflict.

I am responsible and gentle.


I am wild and carefree.

The truth.

A note from an unknown stranger.

"I'm going to admit something that I never admit.

I am scared. I am afraid. I am weak.

I hate where I am in life.

I hate some of the habits I have picked up.

I don't know how to change.

I'm afraid of being alone, of being rejected, so I push people away.

I clam up. I shut down.

My past waves a stop sign in front of my present.

It's just like a child who, once they have experienced a burn from a stove top never goes near it again with out extreme caution. The child always pulls back before he gets too close. Never willing to risk that pain again.

I know that I am too sensitive.

I know that relationships can not be formed without elements of hurt. That is the risk we take as human beings interacting with other human beings.

I know it is the price we must pay.

I want to take this chance, while I'm being honest, to tell you that I want to try, but my past has left me with deep scars. Some are from more recent attempts, some date back to the time that I was six years old. But that is besides the point.

What I am trying to say is, I do sincerely want to get over this fear, but as I said in the beginning of this note, I am weak.

In fact, the reason I am writing this is so that you know I am trying. My weakness tends to cause many failed attempts. Often, people don't even see that I am trying. Often, they accuse me of not wanting to open with them. But this is rarely the case, they just don't recognise all the times that I tried and failed.

So, here's to you, my new attempt. My new start. My new day. Good-morning." - J.A.S.

Oh, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.

    Where do you turn when the freedom you desire comes packaged with the costs you don’t care to count? What if the comforts of the cage are just too tempting? I talk like I’m tough, full of adventure and ready to be free. But inside I know myself well enough to see my fears. However, I also know that my fears are not strong enough to keep the wild child in me locked up. It’s in my DNA; my spirit has to run wild. I am tameable by no man. I am subject only to my Heavenly Father, Saviour, love and constant guide. For Him, I would do anything and everything. For Him I live and die.
    I will not chose the path of comfort no matter how tempting it may be at times. Ultimately, comfort in anything but Him would murder my spirit and the fire that burns through my being. I am too addicted to Him now, in too deep, too dependant. Besides, I’m not even able to be myself when caged (It’s not a pleasant experience for me or the people subject to being around me). I must run wild, a fire blazing through the hills.
    The difficulty comes when I am in a familiar place, and it is to this cage of familiarity that you have called me to be in right now. I feel trapped, locked up like an artist with her hands tied behind her back. Unable to release what is burning inside her, unable to be who she was born to be. It’s when I’m not around the familiar that I can feel You under my wings. That is when I can soar. That is when the eagle takes flight. One day perhaps I shall learn to be myself around the familiar but even Jesus went away from His home, away from His family and familiarity to be in ministry. But then again, he didn’t even begin his full ministry until he was 30

“Soar eagle, heal my people! Don’t look back!” – Prophetic word I received in my 2^nd year at MSM.

"Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
with all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
let me forget about today until tomorrow."
- Bob Dylan, Mr. Tambourine Man

"We all try hard to live our lives in harmony for fear of falling swiftly overboard but life is both a major and minor key just open up the chord."

I will relentlessly pound on these brick walls until my blood runs clear enough for you to see the passion in my plea.

What is this wall that stands between us? I'm sure I was the one to errect it. How now do I remove it?

"No use in saying how I'm sorry, so I'm trying not to speak. I'll sing in silence, lay beside you with my face there on your cheek."

I'm sorry I don't have the right words.

I'm sorry I don't have an eloquent tongue.

I wish I could be the person to pull you through.

The one that you look back on this season and think about as being the exact thing you needed.

Instead, I'll just be silent and hope that you can feel me here.