Strict Joy.

This made me happy.

"This song is about being in Ireland lying in the middle of a field drunk looking up at the stars. Well, actually looking at some grey clouds and knowing that the stars are beyond them. And having a conversation over the shoulders of the clouds, at the stars"

- Glen Hansard (The Swell Season/ The Frames)

Star Star

Star star teach me how to shine shine

Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind

'Cause I don't understand these people

Who say the hill's to steep

Well they talk and talk forever

But they just never climb

Falling down into situations

Bringing out the best in you

You're flat on your back again

And star you're ever word I'm heeding

Can you help me to see

I'm lost in the dark

Star star teach me how to shine shine

Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind

'Cause I don't understand these people

Who say we're all asleep

They'll toss and turn forever

But no rest will they find...

Listen to the song here...

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Star_Star_Live_/23364951

If you don't own 'Strict Joy' by the Swell Season... you should. 

Frustration

I can't remember a time when I have ever been this discontent.

My job is great.
My family is good.
My new apartment is wonderful.
My friends are the best ones Charlotte has ever given me.
My part time job serving with a catering company at weddings is loads of fun.
My music is coming along better than ever before.
My relationship with God is growing in new ways.

I have no justifiable reason to be unsatisfied.

But I am.

My heart is discontent.

I need change. Serious change. I need to see the things I have been promised come to life.

I am tired of waiting.

I take my complaints to God, I remind Him of His promises.

He says, "Wait".

I find my frustrations holding hands with the truth that God will fulfil His promises.

I keep in the forefront of my mind that He wants the these promises to unfold even more than I do.

Still, I am frustrated. And guess what? God told me it's ok to be frustrated. He would rather me be discontent and ready while in the waiting room then comfortable and passive.

You're not what I need - I'm not what you need, so it works out well.

I like to check up on you from time to time.
Not because I miss "us", but occasionally I miss "you".

I want to know how you are doing.

However, I don't want you to know that I care.

Sounds harsh, I know, but sometimes I don't feel that you are worthy of my care.

So I'll continue to peek around corners, wearing my stalker mask, just so my heart can be sure that you are happy.

"I still miss you sometimes, when the weather's getting colder" - Joe Purdy

Waiting on the Vision

God showed me this verse while I was complaining about not being in Scotland right now. I do this often. I don't remember seeing this verse before. Or perhaps I was never in a desperate enough need before now to really see and accept it.


"What's God going to say to my questions? I'm braced for the worst. I'll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon. I'll wait to see what God says, how he'll answer my complaint. Full of Self, but Soul-Empty and then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming - it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time."
Habakkuk 2:1 - 3 - The Message version


"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled."

I want what I don't want and don't know what it is that I do want.

Am I the only person who, while filling out a personality test, begins to wonder if they may be bipolar? There seem to be two extremes inside me, of course I have complete control over which is shown in which situation. But really, are people supposed to be this split up inside?

So keeping true to who I am, I made a list. A list of what I want. It confused me even more.

Behold the conflicting list;

I want the sound of rain.

I want a hand to hold.

I want trees and a bed made of grass.

I want quiet.

I want folk music.

I want a gentle reassuring breeze.

I want the fragrance of jasmine.

I want to fly.

I want to take the road less travelled.

I want solitude.

I want mystery.

I want brown hair.

I want a brown dress.

-------------------------------------------

I want tattoo's.

I want piercing's.

I want rock and roll music.

I want red hair.

I want a black dress.

I want to smoke and drink.

I want friends and parties.

I want the house and car.

I want the job and degree.

I want to be looked up to.

I want power and fame.

I want authority.

I want to be the boss.

-------------------------------------------

Ultimately, I know who I am, where I am going and what I want. It's just the little things at times seem to conflict.

I am responsible and gentle.


I am wild and carefree.

The truth.

A note from an unknown stranger.

"I'm going to admit something that I never admit.

I am scared. I am afraid. I am weak.

I hate where I am in life.

I hate some of the habits I have picked up.

I don't know how to change.

I'm afraid of being alone, of being rejected, so I push people away.

I clam up. I shut down.

My past waves a stop sign in front of my present.

It's just like a child who, once they have experienced a burn from a stove top never goes near it again with out extreme caution. The child always pulls back before he gets too close. Never willing to risk that pain again.

I know that I am too sensitive.

I know that relationships can not be formed without elements of hurt. That is the risk we take as human beings interacting with other human beings.

I know it is the price we must pay.

I want to take this chance, while I'm being honest, to tell you that I want to try, but my past has left me with deep scars. Some are from more recent attempts, some date back to the time that I was six years old. But that is besides the point.

What I am trying to say is, I do sincerely want to get over this fear, but as I said in the beginning of this note, I am weak.

In fact, the reason I am writing this is so that you know I am trying. My weakness tends to cause many failed attempts. Often, people don't even see that I am trying. Often, they accuse me of not wanting to open with them. But this is rarely the case, they just don't recognise all the times that I tried and failed.

So, here's to you, my new attempt. My new start. My new day. Good-morning." - J.A.S.

Oh, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.

    Where do you turn when the freedom you desire comes packaged with the costs you don’t care to count? What if the comforts of the cage are just too tempting? I talk like I’m tough, full of adventure and ready to be free. But inside I know myself well enough to see my fears. However, I also know that my fears are not strong enough to keep the wild child in me locked up. It’s in my DNA; my spirit has to run wild. I am tameable by no man. I am subject only to my Heavenly Father, Saviour, love and constant guide. For Him, I would do anything and everything. For Him I live and die.
    I will not chose the path of comfort no matter how tempting it may be at times. Ultimately, comfort in anything but Him would murder my spirit and the fire that burns through my being. I am too addicted to Him now, in too deep, too dependant. Besides, I’m not even able to be myself when caged (It’s not a pleasant experience for me or the people subject to being around me). I must run wild, a fire blazing through the hills.
    The difficulty comes when I am in a familiar place, and it is to this cage of familiarity that you have called me to be in right now. I feel trapped, locked up like an artist with her hands tied behind her back. Unable to release what is burning inside her, unable to be who she was born to be. It’s when I’m not around the familiar that I can feel You under my wings. That is when I can soar. That is when the eagle takes flight. One day perhaps I shall learn to be myself around the familiar but even Jesus went away from His home, away from His family and familiarity to be in ministry. But then again, he didn’t even begin his full ministry until he was 30

“Soar eagle, heal my people! Don’t look back!” – Prophetic word I received in my 2^nd year at MSM.

"Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
with all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
let me forget about today until tomorrow."
- Bob Dylan, Mr. Tambourine Man