You're not what I need - I'm not what you need, so it works out well.

I like to check up on you from time to time.
Not because I miss "us", but occasionally I miss "you".

I want to know how you are doing.

However, I don't want you to know that I care.

Sounds harsh, I know, but sometimes I don't feel that you are worthy of my care.

So I'll continue to peek around corners, wearing my stalker mask, just so my heart can be sure that you are happy.

"I still miss you sometimes, when the weather's getting colder" - Joe Purdy

Waiting on the Vision

God showed me this verse while I was complaining about not being in Scotland right now. I do this often. I don't remember seeing this verse before. Or perhaps I was never in a desperate enough need before now to really see and accept it.


"What's God going to say to my questions? I'm braced for the worst. I'll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon. I'll wait to see what God says, how he'll answer my complaint. Full of Self, but Soul-Empty and then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming - it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time."
Habakkuk 2:1 - 3 - The Message version


"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled."

I want what I don't want and don't know what it is that I do want.

Am I the only person who, while filling out a personality test, begins to wonder if they may be bipolar? There seem to be two extremes inside me, of course I have complete control over which is shown in which situation. But really, are people supposed to be this split up inside?

So keeping true to who I am, I made a list. A list of what I want. It confused me even more.

Behold the conflicting list;

I want the sound of rain.

I want a hand to hold.

I want trees and a bed made of grass.

I want quiet.

I want folk music.

I want a gentle reassuring breeze.

I want the fragrance of jasmine.

I want to fly.

I want to take the road less travelled.

I want solitude.

I want mystery.

I want brown hair.

I want a brown dress.

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I want tattoo's.

I want piercing's.

I want rock and roll music.

I want red hair.

I want a black dress.

I want to smoke and drink.

I want friends and parties.

I want the house and car.

I want the job and degree.

I want to be looked up to.

I want power and fame.

I want authority.

I want to be the boss.

-------------------------------------------

Ultimately, I know who I am, where I am going and what I want. It's just the little things at times seem to conflict.

I am responsible and gentle.


I am wild and carefree.

The truth.

A note from an unknown stranger.

"I'm going to admit something that I never admit.

I am scared. I am afraid. I am weak.

I hate where I am in life.

I hate some of the habits I have picked up.

I don't know how to change.

I'm afraid of being alone, of being rejected, so I push people away.

I clam up. I shut down.

My past waves a stop sign in front of my present.

It's just like a child who, once they have experienced a burn from a stove top never goes near it again with out extreme caution. The child always pulls back before he gets too close. Never willing to risk that pain again.

I know that I am too sensitive.

I know that relationships can not be formed without elements of hurt. That is the risk we take as human beings interacting with other human beings.

I know it is the price we must pay.

I want to take this chance, while I'm being honest, to tell you that I want to try, but my past has left me with deep scars. Some are from more recent attempts, some date back to the time that I was six years old. But that is besides the point.

What I am trying to say is, I do sincerely want to get over this fear, but as I said in the beginning of this note, I am weak.

In fact, the reason I am writing this is so that you know I am trying. My weakness tends to cause many failed attempts. Often, people don't even see that I am trying. Often, they accuse me of not wanting to open with them. But this is rarely the case, they just don't recognise all the times that I tried and failed.

So, here's to you, my new attempt. My new start. My new day. Good-morning." - J.A.S.

Oh, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.

    Where do you turn when the freedom you desire comes packaged with the costs you don’t care to count? What if the comforts of the cage are just too tempting? I talk like I’m tough, full of adventure and ready to be free. But inside I know myself well enough to see my fears. However, I also know that my fears are not strong enough to keep the wild child in me locked up. It’s in my DNA; my spirit has to run wild. I am tameable by no man. I am subject only to my Heavenly Father, Saviour, love and constant guide. For Him, I would do anything and everything. For Him I live and die.
    I will not chose the path of comfort no matter how tempting it may be at times. Ultimately, comfort in anything but Him would murder my spirit and the fire that burns through my being. I am too addicted to Him now, in too deep, too dependant. Besides, I’m not even able to be myself when caged (It’s not a pleasant experience for me or the people subject to being around me). I must run wild, a fire blazing through the hills.
    The difficulty comes when I am in a familiar place, and it is to this cage of familiarity that you have called me to be in right now. I feel trapped, locked up like an artist with her hands tied behind her back. Unable to release what is burning inside her, unable to be who she was born to be. It’s when I’m not around the familiar that I can feel You under my wings. That is when I can soar. That is when the eagle takes flight. One day perhaps I shall learn to be myself around the familiar but even Jesus went away from His home, away from His family and familiarity to be in ministry. But then again, he didn’t even begin his full ministry until he was 30

“Soar eagle, heal my people! Don’t look back!” – Prophetic word I received in my 2^nd year at MSM.

"Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
with all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
let me forget about today until tomorrow."
- Bob Dylan, Mr. Tambourine Man

"We all try hard to live our lives in harmony for fear of falling swiftly overboard but life is both a major and minor key just open up the chord."

I will relentlessly pound on these brick walls until my blood runs clear enough for you to see the passion in my plea.

What is this wall that stands between us? I'm sure I was the one to errect it. How now do I remove it?

"No use in saying how I'm sorry, so I'm trying not to speak. I'll sing in silence, lay beside you with my face there on your cheek."

I'm sorry I don't have the right words.

I'm sorry I don't have an eloquent tongue.

I wish I could be the person to pull you through.

The one that you look back on this season and think about as being the exact thing you needed.

Instead, I'll just be silent and hope that you can feel me here.