The latest assurance.

Sometimes... all that is needed is simple reminder.

"Lets get lost, me and you, an ocean and a rock is nothing to me." 

-- Lyrics by Lisa Hannigan -- Truth whispered into my heart by God. 

Quote of the month

"I'm probably gonna curse a lot, it's just an Irish thing. It's not meant in any malicious way, it's just part of the way we speak. For hundreds of years our language was beaten out of us by the English and then we had to learn their language. Which was ok, but we decided at a very early stage to pervert their language as much as possible. If we had to speak it at all. So in Ireland cursing is just descriptive it's not actually in anyway malicious." - Glen Hansard

The Swell Season Live

Most amazing live show.

Strict Joy.

This made me happy.

"This song is about being in Ireland lying in the middle of a field drunk looking up at the stars. Well, actually looking at some grey clouds and knowing that the stars are beyond them. And having a conversation over the shoulders of the clouds, at the stars"

- Glen Hansard (The Swell Season/ The Frames)

Star Star

Star star teach me how to shine shine

Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind

'Cause I don't understand these people

Who say the hill's to steep

Well they talk and talk forever

But they just never climb

Falling down into situations

Bringing out the best in you

You're flat on your back again

And star you're ever word I'm heeding

Can you help me to see

I'm lost in the dark

Star star teach me how to shine shine

Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind

'Cause I don't understand these people

Who say we're all asleep

They'll toss and turn forever

But no rest will they find...

Listen to the song here...

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Star_Star_Live_/23364951

If you don't own 'Strict Joy' by the Swell Season... you should. 

Frustration

I can't remember a time when I have ever been this discontent.

My job is great.
My family is good.
My new apartment is wonderful.
My friends are the best ones Charlotte has ever given me.
My part time job serving with a catering company at weddings is loads of fun.
My music is coming along better than ever before.
My relationship with God is growing in new ways.

I have no justifiable reason to be unsatisfied.

But I am.

My heart is discontent.

I need change. Serious change. I need to see the things I have been promised come to life.

I am tired of waiting.

I take my complaints to God, I remind Him of His promises.

He says, "Wait".

I find my frustrations holding hands with the truth that God will fulfil His promises.

I keep in the forefront of my mind that He wants the these promises to unfold even more than I do.

Still, I am frustrated. And guess what? God told me it's ok to be frustrated. He would rather me be discontent and ready while in the waiting room then comfortable and passive.

You're not what I need - I'm not what you need, so it works out well.

I like to check up on you from time to time.
Not because I miss "us", but occasionally I miss "you".

I want to know how you are doing.

However, I don't want you to know that I care.

Sounds harsh, I know, but sometimes I don't feel that you are worthy of my care.

So I'll continue to peek around corners, wearing my stalker mask, just so my heart can be sure that you are happy.

"I still miss you sometimes, when the weather's getting colder" - Joe Purdy

Waiting on the Vision

God showed me this verse while I was complaining about not being in Scotland right now. I do this often. I don't remember seeing this verse before. Or perhaps I was never in a desperate enough need before now to really see and accept it.


"What's God going to say to my questions? I'm braced for the worst. I'll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon. I'll wait to see what God says, how he'll answer my complaint. Full of Self, but Soul-Empty and then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming - it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time."
Habakkuk 2:1 - 3 - The Message version


"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled."

I want what I don't want and don't know what it is that I do want.

Am I the only person who, while filling out a personality test, begins to wonder if they may be bipolar? There seem to be two extremes inside me, of course I have complete control over which is shown in which situation. But really, are people supposed to be this split up inside?

So keeping true to who I am, I made a list. A list of what I want. It confused me even more.

Behold the conflicting list;

I want the sound of rain.

I want a hand to hold.

I want trees and a bed made of grass.

I want quiet.

I want folk music.

I want a gentle reassuring breeze.

I want the fragrance of jasmine.

I want to fly.

I want to take the road less travelled.

I want solitude.

I want mystery.

I want brown hair.

I want a brown dress.

-------------------------------------------

I want tattoo's.

I want piercing's.

I want rock and roll music.

I want red hair.

I want a black dress.

I want to smoke and drink.

I want friends and parties.

I want the house and car.

I want the job and degree.

I want to be looked up to.

I want power and fame.

I want authority.

I want to be the boss.

-------------------------------------------

Ultimately, I know who I am, where I am going and what I want. It's just the little things at times seem to conflict.

I am responsible and gentle.


I am wild and carefree.

The truth.

A note from an unknown stranger.

"I'm going to admit something that I never admit.

I am scared. I am afraid. I am weak.

I hate where I am in life.

I hate some of the habits I have picked up.

I don't know how to change.

I'm afraid of being alone, of being rejected, so I push people away.

I clam up. I shut down.

My past waves a stop sign in front of my present.

It's just like a child who, once they have experienced a burn from a stove top never goes near it again with out extreme caution. The child always pulls back before he gets too close. Never willing to risk that pain again.

I know that I am too sensitive.

I know that relationships can not be formed without elements of hurt. That is the risk we take as human beings interacting with other human beings.

I know it is the price we must pay.

I want to take this chance, while I'm being honest, to tell you that I want to try, but my past has left me with deep scars. Some are from more recent attempts, some date back to the time that I was six years old. But that is besides the point.

What I am trying to say is, I do sincerely want to get over this fear, but as I said in the beginning of this note, I am weak.

In fact, the reason I am writing this is so that you know I am trying. My weakness tends to cause many failed attempts. Often, people don't even see that I am trying. Often, they accuse me of not wanting to open with them. But this is rarely the case, they just don't recognise all the times that I tried and failed.

So, here's to you, my new attempt. My new start. My new day. Good-morning." - J.A.S.

Oh, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.

    Where do you turn when the freedom you desire comes packaged with the costs you don’t care to count? What if the comforts of the cage are just too tempting? I talk like I’m tough, full of adventure and ready to be free. But inside I know myself well enough to see my fears. However, I also know that my fears are not strong enough to keep the wild child in me locked up. It’s in my DNA; my spirit has to run wild. I am tameable by no man. I am subject only to my Heavenly Father, Saviour, love and constant guide. For Him, I would do anything and everything. For Him I live and die.
    I will not chose the path of comfort no matter how tempting it may be at times. Ultimately, comfort in anything but Him would murder my spirit and the fire that burns through my being. I am too addicted to Him now, in too deep, too dependant. Besides, I’m not even able to be myself when caged (It’s not a pleasant experience for me or the people subject to being around me). I must run wild, a fire blazing through the hills.
    The difficulty comes when I am in a familiar place, and it is to this cage of familiarity that you have called me to be in right now. I feel trapped, locked up like an artist with her hands tied behind her back. Unable to release what is burning inside her, unable to be who she was born to be. It’s when I’m not around the familiar that I can feel You under my wings. That is when I can soar. That is when the eagle takes flight. One day perhaps I shall learn to be myself around the familiar but even Jesus went away from His home, away from His family and familiarity to be in ministry. But then again, he didn’t even begin his full ministry until he was 30

“Soar eagle, heal my people! Don’t look back!” – Prophetic word I received in my 2^nd year at MSM.

"Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
with all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
let me forget about today until tomorrow."
- Bob Dylan, Mr. Tambourine Man

"We all try hard to live our lives in harmony for fear of falling swiftly overboard but life is both a major and minor key just open up the chord."

I will relentlessly pound on these brick walls until my blood runs clear enough for you to see the passion in my plea.

What is this wall that stands between us? I'm sure I was the one to errect it. How now do I remove it?

"No use in saying how I'm sorry, so I'm trying not to speak. I'll sing in silence, lay beside you with my face there on your cheek."

I'm sorry I don't have the right words.

I'm sorry I don't have an eloquent tongue.

I wish I could be the person to pull you through.

The one that you look back on this season and think about as being the exact thing you needed.

Instead, I'll just be silent and hope that you can feel me here.

grandfathers garden, mud caked hands, bluegrass, sun and cold beer = the best spring day

There is nothing quite as enjoyable as working in a garden.
Even if you pour sweat as the sun beats down burning your face and arms.
It is still incredibly fulfilling.

"Honey I'm a price, you're a catch and we're a perfect match."

Its rather annoying...

...being twenty-three years old,
knowing who the perfect guy for you is,
and knowing that he has no clue.

Guess I'll wait here...
hoping,
dreaming,
trusting... that some day he'll open his eyes.

Once perfection blurs your vision,

its hard to imagine anyone else,
even if they are within reach.

I'm not saying he is perfect,
i'm not that naive,

but he is perfect for me... expect for the fact that he doesn’t see it.

Since better can't be, as friends we'll agree" - Sabra Girl, Nickel Creek

"Oh, he says, he can't love me, but I think he can and I told him that, just before he ran." Anthony, Nickel Creek

24, September -- it's everywhere.

This is a hard day, for many reasons and for no reason at all because nothing really 'happened'.

Yet, it also feels like everything happen.

Reasons:

Dreams, both in process and incomplete.

Changes, both the lack of and the thought of.

Summer - for the first time in my life I am enjoying a hot as hell southern spring/summer .. I find I like the sun, walking in it, biking in it, running in it.

Scotland (Alba), my heart aches for home.

Promises, unfulfilled.

9-24 --- 24, September, it haunts me. It means everything and nothing.

Your voice in my head.

The lack of timing with which You choose to direct my path.

The voice that screams, be responsible.

The voice that screams RUN FREE!

All the while I wonder... is it possible to have both?

"Where am I today? I wish that I knew

'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead" - Reasons why, Nickel Creek

22, April ----- work.

I can't stay put. I have to make a run for the door. The cage is closing in all around me and I must get out while I can. This mundane ritual has become simply pointless, something done because someone, somewhere said it was a requirement to survival.

The sun is calling to me. The blue sky is beckoning. These four walls hold no entertainment, no enjoyment, nothing to entice the imagination.

Thoughts of books, bike riding, long walks, ice cream, cigarettes, naps in the sun, guitar playing, song writing, singing and enjoying a beer on the balcony are crowding my mind leaving no room for this repetitive cycle.

"Then this bird just flew away, she was never meant to stay. To keep her caged would just delay the spring." - Travis, the cage.

"This is easy as lovers go, so don't complicate it by hesitating."

I've been on a serious Dashboard confessional kick lately. (Don't judge me.) I can't seem to get away from the whiny emotional dramatic pull that their lyrics have. It sucks me in and feeds something inside my soul. I think I envy the freedom of being able to express the feelings about relationships that swarm inside me. The ability to craft lyrics that capture what everyone feels, but no one says. Everyone has frustrations and annoyances about relationships (or lack there of) with the opposite sex. It is a part of being human. But we never step up and say what is going on inside.

We hesitate. We wait. In some cases.. these can be good things. But in most cases, speaking your mind in genuine honesty is priceless. Instead, we glance crookedly at each other from across the room hoping the object of our thoughts will see while also dreading that they will see. Does this not feel a little jr. high-ish? Sometimes I think it would be so much easier just to go back to passing notes that say "I like you, do you like me?" Check yes or no. If the feeling is not mutual, no big deal, lets just not waste time hanging out in the unknown. Lets be straight forward about what we are thinking and feeling.

"I'll be true, I'll be useful
I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours, my dear
And I'll belong to you
If you'll just let me through
This is easy, as lovers go
So don't complicate it by hesitating
And this is wonderful, as loving goes
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting" - As Lovers go Dashboard Confessional. 

oh summer.. oh the heat... oh how I wish for a cool breeze.

Summer in the South

Basking in the summer sun
We seem to have skipped spring again this year
Dreaming of what you would say if you saw me in my blue dress
Wondering if you’d sit with me a while

Dogwood in full bloom overhead
Pollen falling like snow, dusting the ground around me
Birds singing at full volume, filling my heart with childlike wishes
Remembering being young, chasing caterpillars around the backyard

Sweet iced tea sweating from its glass on the blanket beside me
Picturing the swing in grandpa’s yard, how high I would soar
Tree house, built for my uncle, falling down now
Desiring any body of water to bring relief to the heat

Cousins running, screaming hiding from each other in the dark
Lightening bugs light our path
Girls protest as boys try to capture the mystical creatures in mason jars
Neighbors shouting threatening to call the cops to quiet us down

Sitting on the back deck watching Nannie dance her blues away
Bluegrass playing loudly, cold miller lite in hand
Clogging shoes tap in rhythm as sister joins in
The grill is ready now, throw dinner on, the men are hungry

Father and son pull out the guitars
Familiar melody fills the air
We clap along in perfect timing
This is summer. This is the south.














"Summer comes, yeah, as loud as hope and takes your breath away"
-Loud as hope, Iron & Wine

oh Joe...

I am falling in love with him all over again...

Newest Album...
http://joepurdy.com/lastclockonthewall.html

oh how it never seems to change

I wonder 

I wonder

I wonder.... 

Will it ever stop? 

Answers would be nice. A nice change to all the unknown that seems to linger.  

Maybe one day it will build up to the point where it has to fall, like a rain drop that has built up on the end of a leaf. 

  ... not the most insightful post in my history of posts. 

...a girl has her days. 

Today, I felt carefree.

I wonder what happened to the child in me? 

Sometimes I feel like she is still there. 

Sometimes too much of her. 

Sometimes too little of her. 

I never quite know what age I feel. 

Often, I feel younger than I am.

Often, I feel older than I am. 

It snowed today. 

I wasn't going to play in it, but a friend talked me into it. I had fun. 

Snowball fights are exciting.

I felt the little girl coming out, I felt carefree. 

ramble

Everything in me is yearning, craving to be there
I close my eyes and He takes me away
To the place that captivates and holds my plans

Dormant once this soul did lay
Desire is pulsing through my veins
Skin cannot long contain that which burns

Life
Love
Truth
... Destiny

"Break the chains that hold you here face the change you've come to fear
and you will see how to be free from the gravity that holds you down"
- Aaron Roche

bahh!!

I want to go now!!

Can't You see?? Surely You do! The need is now.
Haven't I had enough advance training? Can't I get some hands on experience.
Can't I learn during the process?

My spirit is yearning! Surely, that is You in me?
Why must I wait.. how much longer will I have to tell my heart to be still?
I feel I am going to explode. I want to pour buckets of Your love out.

Please, do what must be done in me quickly.

I want to get on a plane with You - only You. I don't have to have the finances, I don't have to have all my ducks in a row. You are bigger than all that.

I'm tired of looking longingly at every plane that I hear fly by.

Let's go. Scotland is waiting. Please?

thoughts on today, the twenty-fifth of February

I hope he can see.
I hope he is brave and chooses rise to the occasion.

I've given him the lead.
It could be something good.

What will he choose?
--------------------------------------------------

I hate not having control over situations. However, I have learned that when I take a step back, forfeiting my opportunities to control things, it ends up being pretty pleasant. Its the times that I step in and make something happen that I end up getting crushed. Injuring my hopes and sending my faith plummeting.

---------------------------------------------------

Maybe I have learned something from all the times I've stepped in and taken control. Maybe I am beginning to see. Right now, what I know is that at my time and place in life, this means too much to me to step in and try to force something.



" I want to know it all but i'm giving you the lead . . .So go on, go on and take it, don't fake it," - Gray or blue, Jaymay

"Now is the season for you and me"

For years I have been singing that phrase. "Now is the season for you and me". Only now does it actually feel true, current, real. Not that it hasn't always been about me and Him, but now its different. It is only, about me and Him. In the past it has been me and Him, doing something.

We have always been working towards a goal, serving people, ministering, going to class. He always clearly communicates with about what is next, where we are going, what the future will look like so that I have something to focus on.
But now, its nothing. My very life is about me and Him. He is the only thing I have going on my life. I have friends, yes but I don't and could never live for my relationships. My friends are great, but they will never bring me the kind of life I crave. The kind of life I have with Him. I have just never been in a situation where He was all. My relationship with him began when I was a teenager. So all through high-school my focus was him, high-school and working towards figuring out what to do after high-school. I graduated and knew what my plans were, Scotland, missions, YWAM. I worked for a year saving money with a goal of leaving the country. So, I had Him, work and my goal. After YWAM, I had ministry school so for two years it was Him, work and school. Now, I have graduated ministry school and for the past 8 months it has just been me and Him. I haven't known what to do with myself, much less my time. I just worked. Out of frustration I began separating myself from Him, my one and only point of life. I delved into all kinds of things that before, would have been the last point of interest to me.

It is only now that I am beginning to see that this time, this season isn't punishment for having done something wrong or because I 'missed the boat', it is a gift.

Finally, it is the season for Him and I alone. I don't have to worry, think about or plan for my calling, my future, ect. I can just enjoying being with Him until He opens to doors for my next season. In fact, I do believe this is how is was always meant to be. I couldn't see it until He stripped everything but Himself from my daily life. I first I felt lost without having a goal, a task, a point to waking up everyday. Now, I am seeing that He is the only reason for everyday. All the other stuff, my calling, Scotland, missions, friends ect. are all 2nd.
It's a simple thing I know, I should have learned this a long time ago. But I am hardheaded. It took God removing all things that I could control (or try to control) out of the picture, in order for me to see the real picture.

My life does not exist for my calling. My life does not exist for my passions. My life does not exist so that I can 'do' things. My life exist so that I can be with Him. My life exist for love.

So now, for the first time in my life "Now is the season for You and me."

"Throw your head back girl and laugh one more time. Now is the reason for me and you."

... Song, 'In love at 19' by Mark Mathis ( www.myspace.com/markmathis )

How old is too old?

I feel like a twelve year old with a silly little crush. 

I haven't felt this way since I was fourteen. 

It's kind of nice. 

At the same time though, I'm twenty-three years old.

Aren't I a little old to have a jr. high type crush? 

success?

It wasn't bad.. 

I wasn't depressed..

I wasn't alone.

I was surrounded by chocolate, wine, movies and friends. 

I couldn't have asked for any better way to spend a valentines evening as a single. 

The only real thing that bothers me is the fact that I wonder where he took her. Did he take her to "our" place? The not knowing part doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I care. 

It doesn't really matter and i'll never know but, I will always wonder. 

Something in me hopes that he respects the time that we were together enough to let it just be "our" time, "our" place, "our" moment.

One day...

In Celtic Spiritual tradition, it is believed that the soul radiates all about the physical body what some refer to as an aura. When you connect with another person and become completely open and trusting with that individual, your two souls begin to flow together.

Should such a deep bond be formed, it is said you have found your “Anam Cara” or soul friend.

Your “Anam Cara” always accepts you as you truly are, holding you in beauty and light. In order to appreciate this relationship, you must first recognize your own inner light and beauty. This is not always easy to do. The Celts believed that forming an “Anam Cara” friendship would help you to awaken your awareness of your own nature and experience the joys of others.

The “Anam Cara” was originally someone to whom you confessed, revealing the hidden intimacies of your life. With the “Anam Cara”, you could share your innermost self, your mind and your heart. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an “Anam Cara”, your friendship cut across all convention, morality and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the “friend of your soul”. The Celtic understanding did not set limitations of space or time on the soul. There is no cage for the soul. The soul is a divine light that flows into you and into your Other.

This art of belonging awakened and fostered a deep and special companionship. When you love, you open your life to an Other. All your barriers are down. Your protective distances collapse. This person is given absolute permission to come into the deepest temple of your spirit. Your presence and life can become their ground. It takes great courage to let someone so close. Where a friendship recognizes itself as a gift, it will remain open to its own ground of blessing….. When you are blessed with an “Anam Cara”, the Irish believe, you have arrived at that most sacred place: home. This bond between friends is indissoluble: “This, I say, is what is broken by no chances, what no interval of time or space can sever or destroy, and what even death itself cannot part”.

~ from “Anam Cara…Wisdom from the Celtic World“, by John O’Donohue


I can only hope to one day be so blessed.

I annoy myself

I hate when my thoughts get ahead of reality.

I play out scenarios...

Entertain thoughts...

When, realistically, none of the things are even close to happening.

Escocia

I see the world in full colour

None of that black and white shit for me

I've got beauty on the brain

An endless sea of design

In each wave I've painted faces of people who will change

Sand forms the island I claim as my own

I relentlessly pound on solid oak doors

Screaming, "MY DREAMS NEED TO BREATHE!"

Time is holding me Captive in its fog

Reality tells me I must wait

My heart continues to crave the sea, the island, the faces...

So, I will continue drawing doors until time agrees with my demands

So this is goodbye...

I am done. Finished. It is over, I can take no more.

Time is here and now...

I'm pushing forward.
I'm returning.

Goodbye cold.
Hello warmth.

The clock tower is sounding, rushing me into what I wanted all along, but feared to embrace.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Hi, I've missed you.


"Then this bird just fly away, she was never meant to stay, to keep her caged would just delay the spring." - The Cage, Travis