does it exist?

I am trying hard, very hard to find the beauty in this break down. So far, I am not successful. Perhaps it will surface in time. It would, however make this break down a lot easier if I could see the beauty. Maybe it's not meant to be easy. Maybe it wouldn't it be as effective if there were an element involved that caused it to be easier. I just would like to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I keep thinking of Job... though what I am going through can not begin to compare... I only hope I can be as strong as he was.

• Job's First Test
  One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?" Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it." Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."
  
  "Does Job fear God for nothing?" Satan replied, "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."
  The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger." Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.
  
  One day when Job's sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, a messenger came to Job and said, "The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby and the Sabeans attacked and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"
  While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The fire of God fell from the sky and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"
  
  While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!" While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, "Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"
  
  At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. may the name of the LORD be praised." The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
  

I think the only beauty Job could find in his break down was that God is good. Maybe that is the beauty I should look to.


Strength, they say = Physically powerful; capable of exerting great physical force.

Strength, I say = Standing in complete peace at the foot of a volcano that is about to erupt because you know that it is where you are meant to be.

under the surface

If I asked you what colour I am, chances are you would say brown.
But that is not the case.

Brown is what I show everyone.
It is what I allow everyone to see.

However purple is what I am on the inside.
One day everyone will see what has been brewing under the surface.


One day this will ring true... "It's not so much that I have discovered who I am, It is more that I have learned to allow myself the freedom to be who I am." - JAS






Serenity.. they say = "Unaffected by disturbance; calm and unruffled"


Serenity.. I say = a lazy Sunday afternoon spent in a room filled with warmth from the sun blazing through the windows.

it is true

I do not have it all together.

and it's ok.



.... now i just have to learn to believe that.

Uncertain vs Certain

I gave up what was certain in order to embrace what is uncertain. As of now, the uncertain is still uncertain. I hope that what is uncertain becomes certain and I am able to walk through the door. I'm tired of standing back staring, wondering, waiting. I want to begin walking, no, running through an open door. However, I do have enough patience and desire to wait for the correct door before I take off running. Even though, at times it takes all my strength not to move forward in one rash movement forcing things into place.
I know that my thoughts and my vision of the future is not exactly what the Lord has. We see in part and know in part. So it would be foolish to put hope in anything other than God Himself. Hoping in an idea, or situation, or even part of the picture will just lead to disappointment and discouragement. Hoping in my Beloved, on the other hand can and will only lead to strengthening our relationship.

I'm taking you to live in the Bay of Plenty.

Flying is a choice. Climbing onto the back of the Lion is a choice. It is embracing the unknown. The Lion is an untamed animal. It is a risk to draw near Him. You cannot know His every move or motive. You just have to believe in what you know to be true about Him. That He is good, and just. That He is love. He is always love even when it doesn't look like what we imagined it would.
I drew near Him this morning, he whispered to me, "Climb on my back, I am taking you to live in the Bay of Plenty". I climbed on, but we didn't move. Confused, I asked, "When are we going?". He responded, "We are here. You are here and have always been here. The Bay of Plenty is in me. The Bay of Plenty comes when you realize that I love you so much I have made a bed for you in my heart. You have always lived in my heart, as my beloved in whom I am well pleased. When you begin to realize that, things will open up for you. I have much in store for you, but you must seek those things in my heart. Everything you need, will need and have ever needed is in my heart for you. I am just waiting for you to realize that and reach in and take it."
So, it a choice to believe that we live in His heart, to believe that we are His beloved. Also to believe (and this is the hard one for me) that He has everything we will ever need and even things we want, already waiting on us. He has the Bay of Plenty in His heart prepared for us, it is there waiting for us to believe, reach in and grab on to. Lets not shy away from what He wants to give us, but boldly reach out and take what is ours.

cleaning up the mess

They say the best way to cure writers block is to just start writing. I guess I will take their advice and see what comes about. I haven't written any more than a few short journal entries since I graduated ministry school at the end of June. I'm not sure why, or even sure if one event was the cause of the other. Perhaps I was just worn so thin through out the two years of school that once I was free I crashed. Maybe I have needed the break. I'm not sure. Once upon a time writing was invigorating, however during school it become more mandatory. Now that school is well over with and I have had a few months to recover, maybe I will start writing again for pleasure. I miss the joy that came hand in hand with the accomplishment of a moving poem or comical short story.
I don't know what will become of my former love for writing. My desire is that we be reunited, bells will ring and joy will once again flow from my pen. Or at least that I will enjoying taking up my pen.

So.. until then.

Jas

Update

Sitting at my desk day dreaming of running barefoot through fields of wildflowers while Cat Stevens plays melodically in the background.