ramble

Everything in me is yearning, craving to be there
I close my eyes and He takes me away
To the place that captivates and holds my plans

Dormant once this soul did lay
Desire is pulsing through my veins
Skin cannot long contain that which burns

Life
Love
Truth
... Destiny

"Break the chains that hold you here face the change you've come to fear
and you will see how to be free from the gravity that holds you down"
- Aaron Roche

bahh!!

I want to go now!!

Can't You see?? Surely You do! The need is now.
Haven't I had enough advance training? Can't I get some hands on experience.
Can't I learn during the process?

My spirit is yearning! Surely, that is You in me?
Why must I wait.. how much longer will I have to tell my heart to be still?
I feel I am going to explode. I want to pour buckets of Your love out.

Please, do what must be done in me quickly.

I want to get on a plane with You - only You. I don't have to have the finances, I don't have to have all my ducks in a row. You are bigger than all that.

I'm tired of looking longingly at every plane that I hear fly by.

Let's go. Scotland is waiting. Please?

thoughts on today, the twenty-fifth of February

I hope he can see.
I hope he is brave and chooses rise to the occasion.

I've given him the lead.
It could be something good.

What will he choose?
--------------------------------------------------

I hate not having control over situations. However, I have learned that when I take a step back, forfeiting my opportunities to control things, it ends up being pretty pleasant. Its the times that I step in and make something happen that I end up getting crushed. Injuring my hopes and sending my faith plummeting.

---------------------------------------------------

Maybe I have learned something from all the times I've stepped in and taken control. Maybe I am beginning to see. Right now, what I know is that at my time and place in life, this means too much to me to step in and try to force something.



" I want to know it all but i'm giving you the lead . . .So go on, go on and take it, don't fake it," - Gray or blue, Jaymay

"Now is the season for you and me"

For years I have been singing that phrase. "Now is the season for you and me". Only now does it actually feel true, current, real. Not that it hasn't always been about me and Him, but now its different. It is only, about me and Him. In the past it has been me and Him, doing something.

We have always been working towards a goal, serving people, ministering, going to class. He always clearly communicates with about what is next, where we are going, what the future will look like so that I have something to focus on.
But now, its nothing. My very life is about me and Him. He is the only thing I have going on my life. I have friends, yes but I don't and could never live for my relationships. My friends are great, but they will never bring me the kind of life I crave. The kind of life I have with Him. I have just never been in a situation where He was all. My relationship with him began when I was a teenager. So all through high-school my focus was him, high-school and working towards figuring out what to do after high-school. I graduated and knew what my plans were, Scotland, missions, YWAM. I worked for a year saving money with a goal of leaving the country. So, I had Him, work and my goal. After YWAM, I had ministry school so for two years it was Him, work and school. Now, I have graduated ministry school and for the past 8 months it has just been me and Him. I haven't known what to do with myself, much less my time. I just worked. Out of frustration I began separating myself from Him, my one and only point of life. I delved into all kinds of things that before, would have been the last point of interest to me.

It is only now that I am beginning to see that this time, this season isn't punishment for having done something wrong or because I 'missed the boat', it is a gift.

Finally, it is the season for Him and I alone. I don't have to worry, think about or plan for my calling, my future, ect. I can just enjoying being with Him until He opens to doors for my next season. In fact, I do believe this is how is was always meant to be. I couldn't see it until He stripped everything but Himself from my daily life. I first I felt lost without having a goal, a task, a point to waking up everyday. Now, I am seeing that He is the only reason for everyday. All the other stuff, my calling, Scotland, missions, friends ect. are all 2nd.
It's a simple thing I know, I should have learned this a long time ago. But I am hardheaded. It took God removing all things that I could control (or try to control) out of the picture, in order for me to see the real picture.

My life does not exist for my calling. My life does not exist for my passions. My life does not exist so that I can 'do' things. My life exist so that I can be with Him. My life exist for love.

So now, for the first time in my life "Now is the season for You and me."

"Throw your head back girl and laugh one more time. Now is the reason for me and you."

... Song, 'In love at 19' by Mark Mathis ( www.myspace.com/markmathis )

How old is too old?

I feel like a twelve year old with a silly little crush. 

I haven't felt this way since I was fourteen. 

It's kind of nice. 

At the same time though, I'm twenty-three years old.

Aren't I a little old to have a jr. high type crush? 

success?

It wasn't bad.. 

I wasn't depressed..

I wasn't alone.

I was surrounded by chocolate, wine, movies and friends. 

I couldn't have asked for any better way to spend a valentines evening as a single. 

The only real thing that bothers me is the fact that I wonder where he took her. Did he take her to "our" place? The not knowing part doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I care. 

It doesn't really matter and i'll never know but, I will always wonder. 

Something in me hopes that he respects the time that we were together enough to let it just be "our" time, "our" place, "our" moment.

One day...

In Celtic Spiritual tradition, it is believed that the soul radiates all about the physical body what some refer to as an aura. When you connect with another person and become completely open and trusting with that individual, your two souls begin to flow together.

Should such a deep bond be formed, it is said you have found your “Anam Cara” or soul friend.

Your “Anam Cara” always accepts you as you truly are, holding you in beauty and light. In order to appreciate this relationship, you must first recognize your own inner light and beauty. This is not always easy to do. The Celts believed that forming an “Anam Cara” friendship would help you to awaken your awareness of your own nature and experience the joys of others.

The “Anam Cara” was originally someone to whom you confessed, revealing the hidden intimacies of your life. With the “Anam Cara”, you could share your innermost self, your mind and your heart. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an “Anam Cara”, your friendship cut across all convention, morality and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the “friend of your soul”. The Celtic understanding did not set limitations of space or time on the soul. There is no cage for the soul. The soul is a divine light that flows into you and into your Other.

This art of belonging awakened and fostered a deep and special companionship. When you love, you open your life to an Other. All your barriers are down. Your protective distances collapse. This person is given absolute permission to come into the deepest temple of your spirit. Your presence and life can become their ground. It takes great courage to let someone so close. Where a friendship recognizes itself as a gift, it will remain open to its own ground of blessing….. When you are blessed with an “Anam Cara”, the Irish believe, you have arrived at that most sacred place: home. This bond between friends is indissoluble: “This, I say, is what is broken by no chances, what no interval of time or space can sever or destroy, and what even death itself cannot part”.

~ from “Anam Cara…Wisdom from the Celtic World“, by John O’Donohue


I can only hope to one day be so blessed.

I annoy myself

I hate when my thoughts get ahead of reality.

I play out scenarios...

Entertain thoughts...

When, realistically, none of the things are even close to happening.

Escocia

I see the world in full colour

None of that black and white shit for me

I've got beauty on the brain

An endless sea of design

In each wave I've painted faces of people who will change

Sand forms the island I claim as my own

I relentlessly pound on solid oak doors

Screaming, "MY DREAMS NEED TO BREATHE!"

Time is holding me Captive in its fog

Reality tells me I must wait

My heart continues to crave the sea, the island, the faces...

So, I will continue drawing doors until time agrees with my demands