does it exist?

I am trying hard, very hard to find the beauty in this break down. So far, I am not successful. Perhaps it will surface in time. It would, however make this break down a lot easier if I could see the beauty. Maybe it's not meant to be easy. Maybe it wouldn't it be as effective if there were an element involved that caused it to be easier. I just would like to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I keep thinking of Job... though what I am going through can not begin to compare... I only hope I can be as strong as he was.

• Job's First Test
  One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The LORD said to Satan, "Where have you come from?" Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it." Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."
  
  "Does Job fear God for nothing?" Satan replied, "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."
  The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger." Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.
  
  One day when Job's sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, a messenger came to Job and said, "The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby and the Sabeans attacked and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"
  While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The fire of God fell from the sky and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"
  
  While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!" While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, "Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"
  
  At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. may the name of the LORD be praised." The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
  

I think the only beauty Job could find in his break down was that God is good. Maybe that is the beauty I should look to.


Strength, they say = Physically powerful; capable of exerting great physical force.

Strength, I say = Standing in complete peace at the foot of a volcano that is about to erupt because you know that it is where you are meant to be.

under the surface

If I asked you what colour I am, chances are you would say brown.
But that is not the case.

Brown is what I show everyone.
It is what I allow everyone to see.

However purple is what I am on the inside.
One day everyone will see what has been brewing under the surface.


One day this will ring true... "It's not so much that I have discovered who I am, It is more that I have learned to allow myself the freedom to be who I am." - JAS






Serenity.. they say = "Unaffected by disturbance; calm and unruffled"


Serenity.. I say = a lazy Sunday afternoon spent in a room filled with warmth from the sun blazing through the windows.

it is true

I do not have it all together.

and it's ok.



.... now i just have to learn to believe that.